Published March 8, 2006
Showered in petal drops of stillness
Kissing suns as they set
Sweet within my flowerbed
Earth’s blood glimmers with your sweat
Pink’s own passion, fallen red
Fair dream weaver in my garden
Is working the glass moonlight in
He hands me diamonds, mythril, pearls
I’m deep within his raptured sin
I’m trapped within his gemmed curls
Take my hand in the dusted ocean
Whisper to me sweet tastes of life
Moments with you sharpen and flow
Gasping down swords, breathing knives
With you, I’ll dance deep and low
Caught in fantasies, archaic, mystic
I’ve sold myself, my spark, my light
Led down the primrose path to hell
You played your skill, you lust, all right
Now here with Hades, here I dwell
When virgin pink had dripped in red
We’re young – we’ve morphed – exhausted – dead
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
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First off, you write with maturity far above your age. I'm very impressed.
Seconly, you have a love-hate relationship with punctuation. You use it well within the lines, but you never have any at the end of them - I've picked it up in other poems, and it's something you need to work on. Leaving a line unpunctuated means it runs on without stopping: I don't get the sense that that's what you want with a lot of these. Get those commas, full-stops, colons, whatEVER in there - work as good as this deserves it.
OK, let's get in-depth.
Your rhythm on the first stanza, I feel, is *just about* there, but not quite - my suggestion is that you drop the "in" from the first line (8 syllables is much easier to work with then 9, rule of thumb), and stick one more in each in the second and third lines. The last two are fine as they are.
"Dream weaver" might want to be hypenated together; I also think you probably want a two syllable word instead of "gemmed" - since "raptured" is two, "gemmed" kind of throws the rhythm.
The rhythm in the last two verses is a little weird - not bad, mind, but there are places where it just doesn't quite roll off the tongue. And this is a poem that feels like it should run off the tongue.
Great finish.
Anyway, I feel like I haven't been much help, just highlighted things and not really been able to suggest for them. Hope it gets you thinking and redrafting anyway - you've a truckload of skill to play with, so I'd polish this up to perfection.
WOW, this was beautifully written! and flowed perfectly.
... It was too beautiful for words, if not a tad bit disturbing...
You should take my title... most active poet...
I am nothing now, compared to you :Sigh: